A Fate of Solitude
by Mistress of Darkness
Summary: The childhood of Remus Lupin was a lonely one until he came to Hogwarts. But even there, there are struggles that he must overcome alone. This is the story of one whose fate seems to be solitude....


**A Fate Of Solitude**

**Chapter One: Alone**

Remus watched the other children play in the playground, too shy to join them but too curious to walk away. The ten year-old was swinging gently back and forth, and the others were trying their best to avoid him if they could help it. He looked sickly; weak and unhealthy for a boy their age, and with dark eyes that gave his face an exhausted appearance. And it was not a far cry from the truth. For Remus was indeed exhausted; exhausted and aching from the many small cuts that lined his body, hidden beneath thick layers of clothes. They hung off of his body in places, too loose for his thin form.

As they decided it was time to head home, one of the other children turned to look at him. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail, and as the other children left the playground, she called goodbye to them and then came slowly over to the boy. Lilah Thompson had lived down the street from him for as long as either of them could remember. They were even in the same class at school, but neither one of them often spoke to the other.

Lilah sat down on the swing next to him and smiled. "I've missed you at school," she said gently. "Are you feeling better now?"

"A bit," replied Remus, catching her as she looked him over head to toe. It was obvious to her that he had in fact been ill. Actually he had been this way for quite a while now - every now and then getting very sick and missing a few days of school. He usually recovered quite well afterwards - gaining some weight and looking less tired than he did now.

"Aren't you hot in that?" she asked, and Remus looked down at the long-sleeved turtleneck and jeans he wore. To be quite honest he _was_, but the longer clothing was all he had to hide his many bruises and cuts. And his mother always warned him, '_If people see you like that, they'll think _**_we_**_ did it, Remus. If you'd only stay in the house, you wouldn't have to-'_

But no, Remus wanted outside. It was bad enough to be locked in the basement so many days out of the month, let alone confined to the rest of the house. So now here he was, bundled up on a warm, sunny day just so that he could get some fresh air.

"Do you want to go down to the creek with me?" asked Lilah quite suddenly. Then as an afterthought she bit her bottom lip. "Oh... maybe we shouldn't. It's quite a ways, isn't it, and you should probably be resting."

"No, it's okay," said Remus quickly. "I'll come with you."

"Are you sure?" asked Lilah in concern, still worried that it might be too hard on him. Remus already looked as though the littlest wind might blow him away.

"Mm-hm," he said, getting carefully off of the swing and taking a few deliberately sturdy steps toward the edge of the sandbox. It hurt his legs a bit to walk, since his knees were both bruised and painful, but he was determined not to show it. With a smile, Lilah jumped off her own swing and took his hand.

"Come on then," she said, pulling him along behind her. He felt a smile creep over his face, even as he tried not to show any sign of the pain he was in.

It was almost dark when Remus got home limping and even more exhausted than he had been. It had taken a lot more out of him to get to the creek and back, and all he had done there was sit and rest. He could see his mother through the kitchen window from the gate. She looked worried, and was studying the clock with her back to him, as though willing it to tell her a different time than what it was. With a gulp, Remus crept up the walk and opened the front door as quietly as he could.

"Remus Lupin!" he heard his mother cry angrily the instant the door clicked closed behind him, and he looked up to see her appear in the doorway with a look on her face that was a cross between anger and relief. He bowed his head and looked somewhat like a puppy who was about to get a yelling at. Instead she took him into her arms.

"Where have you **_been_**?" she demanded, pushing him away again and holding him at arms length, looking him over for any more bruises than what he had left with. "I've been worried sick! You don't usually stay out this long, and... are you alright?" she asked at last.

"Yes mum," he said quietly. "I was only playing. I'm sorry... I didn't notice it was late."

His mother sighed and smiled faintly. "It's alright. Silly of me to worry, but still, I..." she didn't finish the sentence and she didn't need to. Remus knew what she was thinking. 'Since he'd been bitten two years ago, she worried just the same.'

"Go on up and get cleaned up for dinner, will you dear?" she asked. "You're father will be home soon." Remus nodded and went up to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Then he peeled off his shirt and looked at the reflection of his chest in the full length mirror that hung on the back of the door. It was not a pretty sight - even his stomach churned slightly at the sight of his, his heart pounding a little bit faster. He pressed his fingers to a cut that ran down from his collarbone at an angle, and could see that it was already much better than it had been. The only advantage, he supposed, was that he healed quickly. Still, if only his body didn't ache so much after every transformation.

The next morning was his first day back to school after being away, and he walked to his classroom carrying the homework he had finished while he'd been home. Despite his frequent absenses, Remus rarely fell behind in his studies. The teacher looked at him sympathetically as he walked to his desk and sat down, but didn't say anything besides "welcome back, Remus."

Lilah looked over to him and smiled from her desk on the other side of the room. He returned her smile weakly and then turned to his books as the other students filed into the classroom.

Another month passed - a month full of long school days, and recesses that were spent alone under a tree at the edge of the school grounds. It was usually quiet there, and shady, and the bullies and other students left him alone. Of course, the bullies usually left him alone anyways... Remus always seemed so frail that the thought of breaking him and then facing the consequences was usually enough to keep them off. They'd rather pick on the other kids - ones a bit stronger healthwise than Remus. It suited him just fine.

Lilah didn't bother him at school either. Only a word or two occasionally, and once she brought her lunch over to eat with him, but for the most part Lilah had other friends, and Remus was left alone.

But the month passed, and as it did Remus's next transformation grew nearer. On the last day before it he walked home from school slowly, savoring the fresh air. He wouldn't be getting it for a few days, he knew. He heard someone call his name just as he reached his street, and turned to see Lilah running to catch up.

"Remus," she said, out of breath. "Did you want to go back down to the creek with me, tomorrow after school?" she asked. Remus wanted to answer honestly; say that he wouldn't even _be_ at school tomorrow. But he couldn't tell her, and he knew it. At a loss for words, and feeling bad about it, he smiled.

"Sure," he said, trying to hide the guilt that was threatening to creep into his voice. Then, waving, he pushed the gate to his yard open and headed up to his house. "See you tomorrow." But he knew he wouldn't. He wouldn't see Lilah for a couple of days, at least.

Lupin followed his father downstairs that evening, his heart pounding in terror. "It's alright, Remus," he said gently, trying to persuade him further into the darkness. When they reached the bottom of the stairs his father pulled on a string that turned on a singly light, and Remus could clearly see the cage where he was expected to spend the night. Again.

"I don't want to," he said softly, and his father reached down to pick him up.

"I know, son. But it's only for the night, okay?" he carried him over. "Your mum and I will be right here, and in the morning we'll have a nice big breakfast." Remus knew that he didn't have a choice. It was too dangerous for his family if he stayed out, but that didn't make the cage any less terrifying. All that it meant was agony, and he never did like that much.

His father set him down on the floor, which was covered in soft blankets and ripped pillows from his last stay in here, and then he backed out fo the cage. "Try to go to sleep for a while, okay?" he said, closing the door and muttering a word to lock it with his wand. With that he turned and went back upstairs.

Remus curled up in a corner, listening to the sounds of his parents upstairs. They were talking quietly, too hushed for him to make out the words, but he heard his mother crying. They couldn't stay downstairs with him. It was something that they had all learned long ago - the transformation was always much worse when there were others around. So every month Remus had to stay alone in the quiet darkness and suffer.

He closed his eyes and tried to block out their voices. Eventually he drifted off to sleep.

It was the first bout of pain that woke him with a cry, and he lay panting on his back, hands clenched and chest burning. He tried to think of happier things that might distract him as the pain seared through his entire body again, causing him to throw himself onto his side and dig his hands into the floor.

Happy thoughts... right... Lilah at the creek...

Another wave of pain, this time in his head as well as his chest. He screamed out as he felt his ribs seeming to crack as they changed shape.

Mum and dad...

Remus screamed again, but his parents didn't hear. His father had cast a spell that hid the noise he made, he knew. He writhed and jerked, his whole body searing with hot pain.

..."It's okay Remus... you know I'm you're friend, right?"

Friend... No, monsters didn't _have_ friends. Not real ones anyway. Remus felt his world beginning to go black - a release from the pain at last, if only for a while. The monster was taking over - to scratch and beat upon his body and leave fresh wounds where the old ones had healed from last month. Someone like him didn't have friends. Someone like him didn't _deserve_ them.

And Lilah would never know. Not of his world, or of his agony. The werewolf howled and screamed and bit and scratched, and Remus Lupin fell victum to it as he always did. Alone, and in agony.

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END

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Okay, this is it for chapter one. I hope that you all liked it! Sorry, I know it's pretty short, but it's only the first chapter anyways, right? This story shouldn't interfere with the Harry Potter books at all. I think I'm going to keep it as a strictly pre-Harry Potter, actually. Please review if you liked it... and if you didn't, "kind" reviews are still welcome. Let me know if you want to see more!


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